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so SO not of interest to most people
Dec. 11th, 2008 11:27 pmI am still celebrating the fact that I am done with all three of my drafts for seminar papers. Yeah, you heard me. All three. And one of them has the title the like of which my happiest dreams have only imagined in a vague and conceptual way before: "Boys Will Be Girls: Effeminate Men and Queer Childhood". YES. I done it. And it features a list of my favorite things, a la Julie Andrews, that has Germaine Greer's book 'The Boy' front and center. No, really. It's the first thing and I felt it was important to read the cover art in the paper. YES. You can play like you don't love it, but I can tell.
So the actual thing that is bugging my head so much that I have resorted to livejournal for discussion is this: writing papers is mad painful, yo. I mean, I had no sleep this week. I felt like my head was going to both explode, all guts-y and gross, and dry up and cave in like something from one of the old episodes of Batman or Star Trek where machines can take all the moisture out of people and then crush them with their fingers. It's not a pleasant feeling. I feel miserable and angsty mid-papers. I dredge up younger sibling issues the likes of which would make most people curl up in little fetal balls on the floor over their heating vents. I'm the product of two English PhDs and I have a brilliant PhD-to-be for a sister...I feel the pressure with every paper. Especially when I know I'm going to be with all of them for two-three weeks and they will inevitably ask to see my papers and all judge them and stuff...My point is, feel the crazy. Feel the misery. It is intense.
Yet, for all that, MY GOD am I glad I got out of corporate/office culture. My job last year was made of misery. When I go through this intense emotional stuff writing papers, at least I can feel like something has happened afterwards. All that stuff last year ... that was just useless. I could have skipped the entire year, right? If I had jumped from teaching in Japan to being a grad student, I would have been a better person. Nothing that happened to me in that year of hell was a bettering experience. I would go so far as to say, in fact, that I am having trouble shaking the bad habits they instilled in me at YV.
In short, I am guilty that I am secure in a grad program while the economy is in the crapper. I am not enjoying this in a frills-and-bunnies-and-rainbows kind of way -- it's hard word, in every way -- but even EVEN given all this, I still thrilled through my toes that I got that e-mail from University of Michigan at 11:59 PM, Valentine's Day 2008.
And they told me I'd change my tune by the first papers season.
So the actual thing that is bugging my head so much that I have resorted to livejournal for discussion is this: writing papers is mad painful, yo. I mean, I had no sleep this week. I felt like my head was going to both explode, all guts-y and gross, and dry up and cave in like something from one of the old episodes of Batman or Star Trek where machines can take all the moisture out of people and then crush them with their fingers. It's not a pleasant feeling. I feel miserable and angsty mid-papers. I dredge up younger sibling issues the likes of which would make most people curl up in little fetal balls on the floor over their heating vents. I'm the product of two English PhDs and I have a brilliant PhD-to-be for a sister...I feel the pressure with every paper. Especially when I know I'm going to be with all of them for two-three weeks and they will inevitably ask to see my papers and all judge them and stuff...My point is, feel the crazy. Feel the misery. It is intense.
Yet, for all that, MY GOD am I glad I got out of corporate/office culture. My job last year was made of misery. When I go through this intense emotional stuff writing papers, at least I can feel like something has happened afterwards. All that stuff last year ... that was just useless. I could have skipped the entire year, right? If I had jumped from teaching in Japan to being a grad student, I would have been a better person. Nothing that happened to me in that year of hell was a bettering experience. I would go so far as to say, in fact, that I am having trouble shaking the bad habits they instilled in me at YV.
In short, I am guilty that I am secure in a grad program while the economy is in the crapper. I am not enjoying this in a frills-and-bunnies-and-rainbows kind of way -- it's hard word, in every way -- but even EVEN given all this, I still thrilled through my toes that I got that e-mail from University of Michigan at 11:59 PM, Valentine's Day 2008.
And they told me I'd change my tune by the first papers season.
