An Unexpected Reboot (1/2)

[ifeelbetter]

Title: An Unexpected Reboot (1/?)
Author: ifeelbetter
Pairing: Gus/Shawn, preslash (more to come)
Word Count: 2,773
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Don't own, won't ever, wish I did.
Summary: An IT Crowd AU. Shawn and Gus are the IT division of a major corporation. Abigail may have told the teensiest-tinest lie on her resume--she claimed to have "extensive knowledge of computers" when she ought to have said she "had been in the same room as a computer once or twice"--and now she's in charge of their department.
Notes: If you haven't yet seen The IT Crowd (I hear there's a US remake that should be avoided like the plague), you ought to. Also, this is my first time posting to this community so feel free to slap on the cuffs if I done wrong.



"So I see you're familiar with computers," said the strangely angry man holding her resume and glaring at it.

"Umm, yes," Abigail said, hoping she wouldn't be asked to expand on the topic. Maybe he wants me to be the receptionist? she thought to herself. I could do that. I know how to do that.

"Fine. We've been looking for someone with a strong technological background," he said, glaring at her now, suddenly and ferociously.

"Oh. Yes?" she said, for lack of alternatives. She felt her stomach drop.

"You do know about computers, don't you?" he barked, obviously expecting her to say something tech-savy.

"Oh, definitely," she said, frantically trying to remember anything at all technological, "There's the modem. And the--um--hard drive. And the screen, of course. A keyboard. Lots of...er...RAM. For storing...things in..." she trailed off, hoping her tone had carried her through, knowing full well that she hadn't made an ounce of sense.

"Well, that all sounds in order. Can't make heads or tails of the stuff, if I'm being honest," the man said, with a sharp and sudden guffaw. His face immediately reverted to the scowl. "You seem like just the woman for the job."

"Oh. Yes. Good?" Abigail agreed warily, "Just right for the...um...job?"

The ad on Craigslist hadn't been at all specific. It was one of those things, you're making lists in the middle of the night, you send off a gazillion e-mails and then someone responds but you have no idea which one they were or what you said you were qualified. One of those things.

She gulped.

"Thanks, Mr. ... um?" she said, trying to find some mention of his name around the office. Damn. How did she not know this?

"Lassiter. Carlton Lassiter. I'm in charge of things around here, you'll be reporting directly to me," he said, leaning back and folding his hands behind his head. Oh, god, he was one of those bosses. She'd had dozens like him, who assume they know absolutely everything and never listen to anything for more than five minutes and get distracted by anything vaguely shiny.

"Lovely," she said, "And my responsibilities..." She trailed off hoping he would finish her sentence. She wasn't disappointed.

"You'll be head of the IT Department," he said and she could have sworn there was an evil glint in his eye as he said it.

"Right. Of course," she said, "What are they all like?"

"Your typical bottom-feeding nerds," he said, a slightly manic grin beginning to show, "As a matter of fact, why don't you begin right now? I can show you the way." He stood and held his hand out. She shook it warily.

"Oh, yes. Sure. Now? Yes, of course," she said, following him out of his office.

The building was the epitome of corporate chic. Svelte women in stilettos were draped over nearly every office door, charmingly understated businessmen in pastel-colored shirts were laughing in a corridor as they passed, the view was incredible--she had to literally stop herself from standing on tiptoe and checking whether she could see her house from here. Her excitement swelled.

This is it, I am finally in charge of something, she thought, And that will just show them for calling me Least Likely To Succeed in the high school yearbook.

Mr. Lassiter lead her to the elevator and held the door open. She was already reaching for the buttons when she realized her wasn't following her in.

"Aren't you coming?" she asked.

"Basement level. You can't miss it," he said, stepping back as the doors closed.

She pressed the rather rusty button marked "B." Her stomach plummeted.

***

A phone was ringing.

A phone was always ringing.

Shawn looked at the phone. Then he looked at the pineapple smoothie in his left hand. He looked back at the ringing phone. Then he looked at the Tyrannosaurus Rex figurine in his right hand.

He moved it experimentally, miming a snarl.

He looked back at the phone.

He sighed and put down the dinosaur.

He picked it up.

"Hello?" Pause. "Yeah, have you tried turning it off and on again?" Pause. "OK, the button is on the side." Pause. "Of the computer. It's on the side of the computer." Pause. "It's a button on the side of the computer." Pause. "You do know what a button is, don't you?" Pause. "No, not like on clothes, like on a computer. Press the button."

He pulled the phone away from his ear and rolled his eyes at it.

"Look is there someone in the cubicle next to you?" Pause. "Good. Excellent. Go ask him--sorry, I see, yes,--go ask Bob to come over here." Pause. "Yes, you're doing splendidly. Ask Bob if he knows what a button is." Pause. "Let joy be unconfined. Tell Bob to press your button." Pause. "Well, that's just rude, sir. Appealing, but rude."

He hung up the phone.

"Hey, Gus!" he called. Gus popped his head out of the tiny coffee room attached to the main office space.

"What, Shawn, what? I already told you that I'm on my ten minute coffee break. Everyone deserves a ten minute coffee break," he groused.

"I'm not allowed to talk to you when you're on your coffee break? Since when?"

"Since I told you fifteen minutes ago not to talk to me when I was on my coffee break, Shawn."

"How was I supposed to know we were starting the new rule right away? Also, I don't remember agreeing to it," Shawn said. He paused thoughtfully. "I bet I have veto power."

"You do not have veto power."

"I so have veto power."

"Why would you have veto power over my coffee break?"

"Dude, I so totally outrank you. I was here for a month before you--"

"That was ten years ago, Shawn. Once you've worked someplace ten years, everyone is equal."

"That isn't a rule. You just made that up."

"I didn't! It's called tenure, Shawn. It's called that because it means 'ten years.'" Gus smirked triumphantly.

"I'm looking it up on dictionary.com," Shawn said, pulling his laptop towards him.

"You don't have to look it up, I just told you," Gus said, and then saw the screen, "Shawn, how many times do I have to tell you that Wikipedia is not a reliable source?"

"It says here," Shawn said, pointing to the screen, "That you made that stuff up."

"It does not."

"It does."

"Does not."

"'Burton Magic-Pants-McGee Guster has theorized that 'tenure' is derived from the words 'ten' and 'years' but he is incredibly wrong,'" Shawn read from the screen.

"It doesn't say that," Gus said, craning around Shawn.

"It will in five minutes," Shawn amended, beginning to type, "B-U-R-T-"

"Stop writing that," Gus said, pulling the laptop away. Shawn immediately pulled it back. Gus gave up and ran to his own computer.

"Two can play at this game, Shawn Silly Head Spencer," he said, beginning to also type.

"Gus, I'm embarrassed for you. 'Silly Head'? That's the best you got?" Shawn said. "I'm not even touched by that. Actually, I lie. I'm a little flattered."

"This is why Wikipedia is not a reliable source, Shawn," Gus said.

They both finished typing at the same moment. There was a pause as they stared at each other then they both tried to load the same Wikipedia page at the same time.

"'Pending'?!" Shawn said, throwing his hands up in disappointment, "That was a total waste of three minutes!"

"And now, thanks to you, I don't get to finish my coffee," Gus said, "I have to leave it in the coffee room and it'll get cold and gross before I have another break."

"Nobody is here, Gus. You could get naked and dance a jig on the desks, no one would care."

"You'd love that, wouldn't you? If I descended to your level?" Gus scoffed. Shawn considered.

"You're right, I would really enjoy that."

"Stop it, Shawn."

"I'm not doing anything."

"You're thinking things I don't want you thinking."

"You can't make rules about my thinking. I can't control that sort of thing. Sometimes I just have to think about you naked, dancing a jig on the desk."

"Stop thinking about me naked and dancing a jig on the desks, Shawn!"

"And the more you talk about it, the more I think about it."

"Stop it, Shawn, or I really--" Gus was interrupted by the phone ringing. He picked up the one on his desk.

"Hello and thank you for calling the IT Department. You've reached Burton Guster. How may I be of service?" he said, faux-cheerfully. He listened, muttering encouraging grunts, as the speaker explained the problem. Shawn began inventing a paperclip catapult.

There was a polite cough from the door. Abgail waved weakly.

"Hi?" she asked, "Is this the IT Department? I got a bit lost. I was on the elevator and then when it got below the Ground level it started to shake and the lights were flickering and then there were all these rubbish bags in the hallway..." she trailed off. "This is IT, right?" Shawn nodded vehemently but still hadn't managed to find his tongue. She beamed.

"I'm so glad. My name is Abigail. I've been made the manager of this department," she said, holding a hand out. Shawn's jaw dropped and Gus froze in mid-sentence.

"I'll have to call you back," Gus said and hung up the phone. "Say what now?"

"I've been made in charge? Of this department?" she said, trying to smile but fast losing the ability.

"You must be confused. Who told you this vile falsehood?" Shawn said, finally finding his voice.

"Well, it was Mr. Lassiter, actually," she said, "I just was hired. He was very angry but then he said I was perfect for the job and I should start right away. Only he wouldn't come down with me, it was very weird."

"That sounds like Lassie-pants," Shawn agreed. "But he can't have meant IT. I mean. We all know I'm in charge here."

"You're not in charge of anything," Gus said.

"I have seniority and you know it."

"Guys! I really was hired to be the new manager here so I'd appreciate it if you'd just show me where my office is so I can get settled," Abigail said decisively. Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.

"You're standing in front of it," Gus said.

"It's the door marked 'Manager of IT'" said Shawn.

Abigail turned around. As promised, there was the door to her new office.

"Right. I'll just...get started then, shall I?" she said, "Good work, team!" She hurried in and closed the door soundly behind her.

"'Go Team'?" Shawn asked. "But we haven't even done anything yet."

The phone rang again and Gus went back to his desk to answer it.

"Hello?" he said. "Yes, I'm sorry about the interruption. You were saying...?"

Shawn rolled his eyes.

"Gus, we have to do something about this. Something drastic. With a plan, maybe," he said, trying to distract Gus from the call.

"And after it hisses then what does it do?" Gus asked the caller, glaring at Shawn.

"I'll even make the plan. Oh! I've already got it!" he said, jumping in front of Gus's desk. Gus continued to glare. "Gus, you know you want to know what my plan is. Gus!" Gus gestured that he would kill Shawn if he didn't start being silent.

Shawn sighed and picked up the phone on his desk.

"Hi, yeah, sorry to interrupt and all but have you tried turning it off and on again?" he said. He paused. "Yep, that solves that. You're welcome, hope you come back now, y'hear?"

He hung up. Gus spluttered in rage and hung up his phone as well.

"I had that, Shawn. And it was a woman. You know I'm, like, two maintenance calls away from actually speaking to Maureen on the sixth floor," he said. "I could have used that as an excuse to go up to 6th and talk to her."

"Or you could have used it to be a creeper and mouth breathe at her for fifteen minutes like you did last time," Shawn said, rolling his eyes, "Let's be serious for a minute here. With a hot bod like yours, you're settling for Maureen on Six? Please. She should be so lucky."

"A 'hot bod,' Shawn? Really," Gus said, "The nineties called and they want their lingo back."

"Gus, we've talked about how that is not a funny joke or witty at all."

"Right. That was a slam dunk and you know it," Gus said, miming a baseball swing.

"You just mimed a home run. It's a different sport."

"Whatever. What's your cunning plan, anyway?"

"I knew you wanted to know about my cunning plan--good use of 'cunning' by the way. That's a word that needs to get used more," Shawn said.

"You know it," Gus said. They fist-bumped briefly.

"Now, let me explain the concept of this delicate and complex plan."

"Yeah."

"You have to listen."

"I'm listening, Shawn!"

"You weren't looking at me, how could I be sure?" Shawn said. Gus rolled his eyes. "How much do you want to be that she's one of those people who claims to know stuff about computers on her resume but is really completely clueless?"

"Yeah, so?"

"All we have to do is catch her saying something stupid and then we'll laugh at her, pour milk down her pants, and she'll be too embarrassed to come to school tomorrow."

"That's a terrible plan. And mean," Gus said and then remembered, "Isn't that what that bully did to you in fifth grade? You told me about that."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Gus. I have always been a suave, unflappable cool person," Shawn said, hurriedly.

"I'm going to go in there and see if she needs anything. I'm going to be nice," Gus said.

"Whyyyy?" Shawn whined.

"Because she's a pretty girl and we never get to talk to pretty girls. We work for IT, Shawn. We may never see a woman again," Gus said, knocking on the door.

"One minute!" Abigail called from inside. She hurriedly tried to look busy. She picked up the phone and pretended to have an important conversation.

"Come in, guys," she called and the spoke into the phone, "Alright. Yeah. You're brilliant. Well, just you get right on that, then. Thanks. Bye." She hung up the phone again. "What can I do for you, gentlemen?"

"I just thought we got off on the wrong foot, so to speak, so I wondered if I could help you set up...or set up your...phone?" Gus said, faltering on the part of the sentence that nearly amounted to an accusation of incompetency. She blushed.

"Oh. Um. It was already on, I don't know what you're talking about," she said, still blushing, "You just heard me using it."

"But it's not plugged in," Shawn said, pointing to the cord dangling helplessly off the side of her desk.

"Fine! Whatever," she said, blushing even more. "Look, to be honest, I didn't want this job any more than you want me to have it. I just got assigned. Can't we be friends? I'm sure I have something to offer you guys."

"You don't know anything about technology, though, right?" Shawn asked.

"Yeah, OK, I don't know anything about technology," she said. Shawn punched a fist in the air and did a short dance.

"Called it," he said. Gus shrugged and fist-bumped him.

"Can't we get along though?" she said, "Even if I'm not geek chic?"

"Yeah, it's fine by me," Gus said, trying to smile flirtatiously, "You hear about Pluto? That's messed up, right?" Abigail looked confused and Shawn rolled his eyes.

"Dude. Enough with Pluto," he said, "You're cute and all but that line has so gone out of style."

"I'm Gus. He's Shawn," Gus said, ignoring Shawn, "We hope you'll have a good time working here. Let us know if you need anything." He tugged at Shawn's sleeve. Abigail called after Shawn in the doorway.

"You guys, like, y'know?" she said. He waited to see if anything more elucidating would follow.

"Like what?" he asked. She made a vague motion with one hand.

"You know." She gestured again, still incomprehensibly. He shook his head. She blushed. "Like--together? Are you two, like, a couple, or something?"

"Please. Like I could rate that fine black ass," Shawn said and closed the door behind him.

Aha, Abigail thought, there IS something I could help you guys with.

continue