An Unexpected Reboot (2/2)
May. 9th, 2010 03:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ifeelbetterTitle: An Unexpected Reboot (2/2)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ifeelbetter
Pairing: Gus/Shawn
Word Count: 2,922
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own, won't ever, wish I did.
Summary: An IT Crowd AU. Shawn and Gus are the IT division of a major corporation. Abigail may have told the teensiest-tinest lie on her resume--she claimed to have "extensive knowledge of computers" when she ought to have said she "had been in the same room as a computer once or twice"--and now she's in charge of their department.
Notes: I collected pickup lines from all over the internet. It's amazing how you can type [random word] + "pickup lines" and always find something. My favorite one that I didn't get to use was "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
If Shawn and Gus were not entirely supportive of Abigail's new boyfriend, they comforted themselves with the knowledge that this was not because they were themselves a pair of social pariahs but that Abigail and Buzz were sickeningly, awfully repulsive as a couple.
Abigail liked to remind them that they were nevertheless still a pair of social pariahs.
Shawn typically stuck his tongue out at this juncture in the conversation.
It was so bad that Shawn felt himself falling asleep, in a Pavlovian response, every time Buzz walked through the door. Within seconds, the couple would begin to enumerate whatever trivial things had happened at extreme length ("You buy the same cheese. You made a 20 minute story out of buying the same cheese?!"), pausing for long interludes of baby talk and pet names.
Gus, who was still of the philosophy that being near a woman would help dispel some of his natural IT vibes, had even begun to show signs of repulsion. Five minutes into any story and his left eye would begin to twitch with increasing frequency.
So they were both miserable beyond expression one afternoon when Buzz had dropped by and the couple had delved into the story of the cheeses for what felt like the thousandth time. In the climactic moment in which Abigail had found a round a Gouda hidden between two small goat cheeses and found her hand connecting with a stranger's, Buzz's phone began to ring.
Gus and Shawn did a brief joyous dance when neither Abigail nor Buzz was looking.
Abigail still caught the tail end and glowered ferociously.
While Buzz answered the call in the hallway, Abigail addressed Shawn and Gus directly.
"Look, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot and all," she said, "But I think we've really begun to respect each other, yeah? I value your opinions, really. I think we're bonding on a really deep level, you know?"
"You made a 20 minute story out of a round of Gouda, Abby," said Shawn.
"You've told it dozens of times now," agreed Gus.
"That's not respect. That's more like torture," said Shawn.
"No, but really, guys. I think we're friends now, right?" she insisted.
"You're gonna make a girl blush," said Shawn, miming a girlish embarrassment.
"Or, in normal people speak: thanks, Abigail. That's really nice of you to say," Gus said, giving Shawn a Look.
Buzz came back into the room, closing his phone.
"Bad news, baby," he said, "It looks like Jeff and Steve have to cancel." Abigail sighed.
"Oh no! That's terrible!" she exclaimed, "Now the evening's ruined! What are we going to do?"
"I have no idea," Buzz agreed, putting on his jacket, "We'll have to cancel unless..."
"Unless...?" she said hopefully.
"Unless you have two guys friends who aren't busy tonight," said Buzz, kissing Abigail on the cheek without noticing how frozen her expression had suddenly become. Gus and Shawn exchanged a glance that said, completely transparently, We are so going to a dinner party with normal people tonight!
Buzz left and Abigail tried to fix her gaze on anything other than the two men grinning at her.
"Look at us, Gus," Shawn said, overly loud, "two guys friends of Abigail's."
"And I'm pretty sure we're not busy tonight," Gus agreed, "And we're two guys friends of Abigail's."
"If Abigail was to need, say, two guy friends--"
"--who are free tonight."
"--who are free tonight, like every night," Shawn deadpanned, "We would be it."
"Guys--" Abigail began, imploringly.
"Because we're really friends now, right?" Gus added.
"I blushed," Shawn reminded her.
"He did blush," Gus agreed.
"Guys," Abigail began, more decisively, "You wouldn't actually want to be stuck with me and a couple of my friends all evening when you've been crammed in here all day with only my company? That sounds dreadful."
"No, Abby, I think you're misunderstanding our lives," Shawn said earnestly.
"We're pathetic, really," Gus agreed, equally earnestly.
"It's not so much a question of being sick of you after spending all day with you," Shawn elaborated. "It's more like we never see women."
"Ever," Gus said.
"It's a privilege to spend our days cooped up with you," Shawn said.
"Even though you're somewhat of a crazy person," Gus said.
"That was rude, Gus."
"I meant it as a compliment."
"He meant it as a compliment, Abigail," Shawn said, addressing her again, "So we're still your new special friends, right?"
Abigail sighed.
"Fine."
Shawn and Gus pounded on it. Gus had to get up and cross the room to do it but they both felt it was a vital moment.
"Fine," she repeated, "But there are rules. Important rules."
Shawn saluted.
"This is going to go terribly, isn't it?" she said. Gus and Shawn exchanged a look and then both nodded.
***
"You're not allowed to talk about computers at all," Abigail said as she answered the door, "Not even if someone confuses memory and RAM." Gus laughed loudly.
"Oh, Abigail. Everyone knows memory is RAM," he said, laughing as if it was the joke of the year. Shawn laughed slightly less loudly, acknowledging the absurd geekiness of the joke but unable to contain his own mirth.
"Oh, god," Abigail said.
"We brought you a gift," Shawn said, holding out a pineapple.
"We need a code," she said, leading them into the apartment. "A sign that means you need to stop talking."
"You should pick your nose. That's a good sign, right?" Shawn suggested.
"No. I'm not going to pick my nose at a dinner party," she said.
"How about coughing? You should cough."
"I don't have a distinctive enough cough."
"You really do," Gus said.
"It's like a mastodon's mating call," Shawn agreed.
"I don't cough like--wait, why do you know what a mastodon's mating call sounds like?" Abigail said, begrudgingly diverted from her train of thought.
"Because I ate my Wheaties as a child and have a vivid imagination," Shawn answered promptly.
"You know that's right," Gus agreed and Abigail rolled her eyes as they pounded their fists.
The doorbell rang.
"Look, that's them but here's the thing--" Abigail said, walking backwards out of the room to try to avail herself of every moment of haranguing possible before she inflicted these two men on her friends, "--I will cough when you begin to be embarrassing--"
"You say that like it's a guaranteed thing," Shawn said, feigning shock.
"We might be perfect gentlemen," Gus added.
"When you begin to embarrass me, I will cough. You will desist from all activity at that moment or so help me god I will remove your ribcage through your nose and wear it as haute couture," Abigail said. She paused with her hand on the door, sighed, and turned one last time.
"Also," she said, feeling compelled to be honest, "Shawn."
"Abigail."
"I should warn you. You'll be sitting next to Lindsay. She's...um...she's...well, she just had a bad breakup and she's...um..."
"I only understand you when you speak English and only a fraction of the time then," Shawn said patiently.
"She's on the lookout, if you know what I mean," Abigail finished, flustered.
"'On the lookout' like a spy? Is she a spy?" Shawn said.
"She's not a spy, idiot. She's overzealous," Abigail said and watched understanding decidedly NOT cross Shawn's face. The doorbell rang again, with a decided tinge of annoyance to the length of the buzzer.
"I give up. Just play nice," she said after weighing the given value of getting her point across against potential psychological damage in having to explain to Shawn that Lindsay could only be described as "predatory" when it came to men (and that would be putting it lightly).
"When do I not play nice?" Shawn asked as she left the room, "Tell her, Gus. Tell her I play nice all the time."
"She's not even in the room anymore."
"I will accept all compliments regarding myself in her place."
Buzz backed through one of the doors at that moment with a casserole dish and Abigail returned with her guests. She introduced them to Buzz and then swallowed before turning to Gus and Shawn.
"Mira, Lindsay, these are my work friends. From work," she said. And if she didn't manage to repeat the fact that she only knew them through work another dozen or so times before she finished introducing them, it wasn't from lack of trying.
Buzz's food was delicious--beyond expectation, everyone asserted vehemently. And, shockingly, neither Gus nor Shawn made a horrifically nerd-tastic catastrophe of the conversation. Gus allowed himself to be managed beautifully by Mira, who liked to have her way with a conversation. He blushed cutely and agreed with whatever she said.
Shawn, on the other hand, was doing less well. Lindsay had gotten off to a spectacular start. She'd dropped into the seat next to him and declared that she'd been "pre-gaming" a bit (which anyone within a five mile radius of her breath would have been able to tell) but, and this was said with a raunchy wink, he shouldn't let that stop him from taking advantage of her. He had coughed politely and made a comment about the weather. By the middle of dinner, she had a hand clenched on his thigh under the table.
When Abigail retreated into the kitchen to grab a serving spoon, Shawn followed her.
"What have you done to me, Abigail? Why do you hate me?" he asked, grabbing her shoulders.
"Oh, please, Shawn. She's a beautiful woman and she's madly hitting on you. Your life is so wretched," she said with a snort.
Gus had followed but froze.
"What? Where?" he asked.
"In the dining room with a hand on my upper thigh," Shawn said and then, because he was Shawn, he paused and said, "And that, my friends, is how Clue could be improved."
"Who? Why?" Gus asked.
"Dude. Are you just hitting all the question words?"
"Lindsay? And Shawn?"
"More like Lindsay on her own with only the faintest of involvement from Shawn," Abigail said. Shawn opened his mouth to complain further but she held a hand up and continued, "Look, Shawn. I tried to warn you. But, really, I'm not feeling so much sympathy for your predicament right now."
"Lindsay and Shawn?"
"Dude. Women have been interested in me before. It's happened."
"No, it hasn't, Shawn. No woman has ever been interested in you. Ever."
"Please. My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard, Gus."
"Boys. Behave," Abigail said, "Shawn, be nice but firm. She's handsy and drunk. I think even you can take her. Gus, what are you even doing back here?"
"I don't think it's any of your business but I have to use the little boy's room."
"That was invasive questioning, Abigail," Shawn said, shaking his head in mock disappointment.
She rolled her eyes.
"Fine. Second door to the left. Shawn, come on."
***
Shawn, because he considered himself a gentleman, offered to walk Lindsay home.
Lindsay, because she was definitively not a gentleman, leered.
Shawn had no sooner closed Abigail's door behind him and walked down the three steps of her stoop than Lindsay had him pinned against a lamppost.
It had, actually, been quite a long time for Shawn. He had been a bit of a player in the geek world before he met Gus, as far as the geek world has players. He would go into anime conventions or his weekly Star Wars role-playing poker game (he was Darth Vader, obviously), drop one of his Harry Potter pick-up lines ("When I said 'Accio Hottie,' I didn't expect it to work!"), and walk away with a good old one night stand.
And he wasn't opposed to picking up a guy at a Star Wars convention with one of his more direct, dude-appropriate geek pickup lines ("I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby"). He had always figured that geeks were unlikely to score at all so why reduce the probability of bow-chicka-bow-wow by limiting the scope of your potential partner pool?
But he had lost his mojo, Austin Powers style, over the past decade or so since meeting Gus. It hadn't been a sudden thing, it had taken a while to completely abandon him. At first it was simply the social faux-pas of talking only about Gus on dates. Then it got even worse and he was actually thinking about Gus in the moment itself. And then he found that he wasn't even tempted by people who didn't say his name in that half-annoyed, half-intrigued way. And he was happier bickering with Gus, in their hetero-life partner codependency thing, then anywhere or with anyone else.
Still. It had been an awfully long time. So if he was invested in the hot-n-heavy happening against the lamppost (and his favorite Narnia pickup line crossed his mind: "Are you from Narnia? Cuz you make my lion roar"), it was simply some kind of pent-up frustration thing.
He broke away, both of them breathing heavily.
"Look, Lindsay--" he said and she smirked and started to pull him in again. He pushed back slightly, enough to have his mouth to himself. "No, really, Lindsay--"
"Yeah, I know, nerd confession now," she said, punctuating her words with more of the afore-mentioned hot-n-heavy, "You're hopelessly devoted, etc."
"Well, yeah," Shawn said, feeling he was suddenly a step or two behind the conversation, "So this is...you know."
"Yeah, this is you know," Lindsay said, pulling back to leer at him. He had never seen such expert leering before. "This is a thing. It's not gibbons mating for life. It's just this."
"You are so hot when you know Animal Planet factoids," he said, breathlessly. She grinned into his ear, which is where her mouth happened to be at the moment.
"So what do you say? Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light-saber?" she said. He groaned.
"You are irresistible, lady," he said. "But it's that whole hopelessly devoted thing. I really am. You know. Devoted." He pulled back entirely.
"You know he's straight, right?" she said, "I mean, I got grade-A, NASA-level gaydar. I knew you were batting for both teams the minute I walked in the door and I can tell you now, that's a boy who doesn't even see the other team."
"Yeah," he said quietly, "I know."
"So your plan is what? Mope in corners till death do you part?" she asked.
"Pretty much."
"It's a flawed plan."
"I've been told."
"I don't have to get in the way of the emo. We could play Olivia Newton-John while we're in flagrante delicto, if you know what I'm saying."
"I do and you get hotter by the minute so if you could stop and say something offensive or gross, that would make this moment a lot easier on me," he said. She grinned.
"Not my style," she said. She ran a hand through her hair. "You're not so bad yourself."
"Thanks."
"I think I can find my own way home," she said. She kissed his cheek. "Call me if you ever toss the plan. I'm an FML just waiting to happen."
"Are you ever," he agreed. She smirked again and walked away. He sighed and watched her retreating figure.
"There but for a stupid crush.." he muttered.
"Shawn." And Shawn grinned inwardly at the familiar voice even as his mind manically raced through the past ten minutes, trying to remember when the door might have opened. It was just the right mixture of annoyance, interest, and, in this case, confusion.
"Guster."
"Shawn Spencer."
"Burton Guster."
"Shawn. Have you been crushing on my fine black ass and you never mentioned?"
"Maybe a little?"
"And did you just turn down a girl who used a Star Wars pickup line for moping in the corner over me?"
"Only if you actually heard that part of the conversation."
"I did, Shawn, and I am shocked."
Shawn winced.
"Look, if we can have a decade of bromance without you queuing in, don't you think I can be unobtrusive in my boundless affection? I can totally keep in on the DL. No straight-boy freak-out required," he said. Gus snorted.
"Please, Shawn. Like you're the only one who ever traded teams," Gus said and turned around to hail a cab that was passing.
"Gus, you live, like, two blocks away. What do you need a cab for?" Shawn asked, his mind boggling at Gus's revelation but, as always, distracted by a minor mystery.
"Because I think we need to be home sooner rather than later, Shawn," Gus said, sliding into the cab. He waited as Shawn boggled some more.
"Shawn. Get in this cab right now," he clarified.
"But I don't live at your apartment, Gus. I live at my apartment."
"But tonight," Gus said slowly, enunciating so Shawn's monumentally slowed brain could catch his words, "You're coming home with me." Shawn still stood fixed to the spot. Gus sighed. He climbed out of the cab and grabbed Shawn's hand, pulling him into the cab.
"Why am I going home with you?" Shawn asked.
"Because I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle," Gus said, pulling Shawn closer.
"Oh."
And eve if his brain hadn't quite caught up yet, the rest of Shawn seemed pretty happy to play along.
Author:
ifeelbetterPairing: Gus/Shawn
Word Count: 2,922
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own, won't ever, wish I did.
Summary: An IT Crowd AU. Shawn and Gus are the IT division of a major corporation. Abigail may have told the teensiest-tinest lie on her resume--she claimed to have "extensive knowledge of computers" when she ought to have said she "had been in the same room as a computer once or twice"--and now she's in charge of their department.
Notes: I collected pickup lines from all over the internet. It's amazing how you can type [random word] + "pickup lines" and always find something. My favorite one that I didn't get to use was "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
If Shawn and Gus were not entirely supportive of Abigail's new boyfriend, they comforted themselves with the knowledge that this was not because they were themselves a pair of social pariahs but that Abigail and Buzz were sickeningly, awfully repulsive as a couple.
Abigail liked to remind them that they were nevertheless still a pair of social pariahs.
Shawn typically stuck his tongue out at this juncture in the conversation.
It was so bad that Shawn felt himself falling asleep, in a Pavlovian response, every time Buzz walked through the door. Within seconds, the couple would begin to enumerate whatever trivial things had happened at extreme length ("You buy the same cheese. You made a 20 minute story out of buying the same cheese?!"), pausing for long interludes of baby talk and pet names.
Gus, who was still of the philosophy that being near a woman would help dispel some of his natural IT vibes, had even begun to show signs of repulsion. Five minutes into any story and his left eye would begin to twitch with increasing frequency.
So they were both miserable beyond expression one afternoon when Buzz had dropped by and the couple had delved into the story of the cheeses for what felt like the thousandth time. In the climactic moment in which Abigail had found a round a Gouda hidden between two small goat cheeses and found her hand connecting with a stranger's, Buzz's phone began to ring.
Gus and Shawn did a brief joyous dance when neither Abigail nor Buzz was looking.
Abigail still caught the tail end and glowered ferociously.
While Buzz answered the call in the hallway, Abigail addressed Shawn and Gus directly.
"Look, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot and all," she said, "But I think we've really begun to respect each other, yeah? I value your opinions, really. I think we're bonding on a really deep level, you know?"
"You made a 20 minute story out of a round of Gouda, Abby," said Shawn.
"You've told it dozens of times now," agreed Gus.
"That's not respect. That's more like torture," said Shawn.
"No, but really, guys. I think we're friends now, right?" she insisted.
"You're gonna make a girl blush," said Shawn, miming a girlish embarrassment.
"Or, in normal people speak: thanks, Abigail. That's really nice of you to say," Gus said, giving Shawn a Look.
Buzz came back into the room, closing his phone.
"Bad news, baby," he said, "It looks like Jeff and Steve have to cancel." Abigail sighed.
"Oh no! That's terrible!" she exclaimed, "Now the evening's ruined! What are we going to do?"
"I have no idea," Buzz agreed, putting on his jacket, "We'll have to cancel unless..."
"Unless...?" she said hopefully.
"Unless you have two guys friends who aren't busy tonight," said Buzz, kissing Abigail on the cheek without noticing how frozen her expression had suddenly become. Gus and Shawn exchanged a glance that said, completely transparently, We are so going to a dinner party with normal people tonight!
Buzz left and Abigail tried to fix her gaze on anything other than the two men grinning at her.
"Look at us, Gus," Shawn said, overly loud, "two guys friends of Abigail's."
"And I'm pretty sure we're not busy tonight," Gus agreed, "And we're two guys friends of Abigail's."
"If Abigail was to need, say, two guy friends--"
"--who are free tonight."
"--who are free tonight, like every night," Shawn deadpanned, "We would be it."
"Guys--" Abigail began, imploringly.
"Because we're really friends now, right?" Gus added.
"I blushed," Shawn reminded her.
"He did blush," Gus agreed.
"Guys," Abigail began, more decisively, "You wouldn't actually want to be stuck with me and a couple of my friends all evening when you've been crammed in here all day with only my company? That sounds dreadful."
"No, Abby, I think you're misunderstanding our lives," Shawn said earnestly.
"We're pathetic, really," Gus agreed, equally earnestly.
"It's not so much a question of being sick of you after spending all day with you," Shawn elaborated. "It's more like we never see women."
"Ever," Gus said.
"It's a privilege to spend our days cooped up with you," Shawn said.
"Even though you're somewhat of a crazy person," Gus said.
"That was rude, Gus."
"I meant it as a compliment."
"He meant it as a compliment, Abigail," Shawn said, addressing her again, "So we're still your new special friends, right?"
Abigail sighed.
"Fine."
Shawn and Gus pounded on it. Gus had to get up and cross the room to do it but they both felt it was a vital moment.
"Fine," she repeated, "But there are rules. Important rules."
Shawn saluted.
"This is going to go terribly, isn't it?" she said. Gus and Shawn exchanged a look and then both nodded.
***
"You're not allowed to talk about computers at all," Abigail said as she answered the door, "Not even if someone confuses memory and RAM." Gus laughed loudly.
"Oh, Abigail. Everyone knows memory is RAM," he said, laughing as if it was the joke of the year. Shawn laughed slightly less loudly, acknowledging the absurd geekiness of the joke but unable to contain his own mirth.
"Oh, god," Abigail said.
"We brought you a gift," Shawn said, holding out a pineapple.
"We need a code," she said, leading them into the apartment. "A sign that means you need to stop talking."
"You should pick your nose. That's a good sign, right?" Shawn suggested.
"No. I'm not going to pick my nose at a dinner party," she said.
"How about coughing? You should cough."
"I don't have a distinctive enough cough."
"You really do," Gus said.
"It's like a mastodon's mating call," Shawn agreed.
"I don't cough like--wait, why do you know what a mastodon's mating call sounds like?" Abigail said, begrudgingly diverted from her train of thought.
"Because I ate my Wheaties as a child and have a vivid imagination," Shawn answered promptly.
"You know that's right," Gus agreed and Abigail rolled her eyes as they pounded their fists.
The doorbell rang.
"Look, that's them but here's the thing--" Abigail said, walking backwards out of the room to try to avail herself of every moment of haranguing possible before she inflicted these two men on her friends, "--I will cough when you begin to be embarrassing--"
"You say that like it's a guaranteed thing," Shawn said, feigning shock.
"We might be perfect gentlemen," Gus added.
"When you begin to embarrass me, I will cough. You will desist from all activity at that moment or so help me god I will remove your ribcage through your nose and wear it as haute couture," Abigail said. She paused with her hand on the door, sighed, and turned one last time.
"Also," she said, feeling compelled to be honest, "Shawn."
"Abigail."
"I should warn you. You'll be sitting next to Lindsay. She's...um...she's...well, she just had a bad breakup and she's...um..."
"I only understand you when you speak English and only a fraction of the time then," Shawn said patiently.
"She's on the lookout, if you know what I mean," Abigail finished, flustered.
"'On the lookout' like a spy? Is she a spy?" Shawn said.
"She's not a spy, idiot. She's overzealous," Abigail said and watched understanding decidedly NOT cross Shawn's face. The doorbell rang again, with a decided tinge of annoyance to the length of the buzzer.
"I give up. Just play nice," she said after weighing the given value of getting her point across against potential psychological damage in having to explain to Shawn that Lindsay could only be described as "predatory" when it came to men (and that would be putting it lightly).
"When do I not play nice?" Shawn asked as she left the room, "Tell her, Gus. Tell her I play nice all the time."
"She's not even in the room anymore."
"I will accept all compliments regarding myself in her place."
Buzz backed through one of the doors at that moment with a casserole dish and Abigail returned with her guests. She introduced them to Buzz and then swallowed before turning to Gus and Shawn.
"Mira, Lindsay, these are my work friends. From work," she said. And if she didn't manage to repeat the fact that she only knew them through work another dozen or so times before she finished introducing them, it wasn't from lack of trying.
Buzz's food was delicious--beyond expectation, everyone asserted vehemently. And, shockingly, neither Gus nor Shawn made a horrifically nerd-tastic catastrophe of the conversation. Gus allowed himself to be managed beautifully by Mira, who liked to have her way with a conversation. He blushed cutely and agreed with whatever she said.
Shawn, on the other hand, was doing less well. Lindsay had gotten off to a spectacular start. She'd dropped into the seat next to him and declared that she'd been "pre-gaming" a bit (which anyone within a five mile radius of her breath would have been able to tell) but, and this was said with a raunchy wink, he shouldn't let that stop him from taking advantage of her. He had coughed politely and made a comment about the weather. By the middle of dinner, she had a hand clenched on his thigh under the table.
When Abigail retreated into the kitchen to grab a serving spoon, Shawn followed her.
"What have you done to me, Abigail? Why do you hate me?" he asked, grabbing her shoulders.
"Oh, please, Shawn. She's a beautiful woman and she's madly hitting on you. Your life is so wretched," she said with a snort.
Gus had followed but froze.
"What? Where?" he asked.
"In the dining room with a hand on my upper thigh," Shawn said and then, because he was Shawn, he paused and said, "And that, my friends, is how Clue could be improved."
"Who? Why?" Gus asked.
"Dude. Are you just hitting all the question words?"
"Lindsay? And Shawn?"
"More like Lindsay on her own with only the faintest of involvement from Shawn," Abigail said. Shawn opened his mouth to complain further but she held a hand up and continued, "Look, Shawn. I tried to warn you. But, really, I'm not feeling so much sympathy for your predicament right now."
"Lindsay and Shawn?"
"Dude. Women have been interested in me before. It's happened."
"No, it hasn't, Shawn. No woman has ever been interested in you. Ever."
"Please. My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard, Gus."
"Boys. Behave," Abigail said, "Shawn, be nice but firm. She's handsy and drunk. I think even you can take her. Gus, what are you even doing back here?"
"I don't think it's any of your business but I have to use the little boy's room."
"That was invasive questioning, Abigail," Shawn said, shaking his head in mock disappointment.
She rolled her eyes.
"Fine. Second door to the left. Shawn, come on."
***
Shawn, because he considered himself a gentleman, offered to walk Lindsay home.
Lindsay, because she was definitively not a gentleman, leered.
Shawn had no sooner closed Abigail's door behind him and walked down the three steps of her stoop than Lindsay had him pinned against a lamppost.
It had, actually, been quite a long time for Shawn. He had been a bit of a player in the geek world before he met Gus, as far as the geek world has players. He would go into anime conventions or his weekly Star Wars role-playing poker game (he was Darth Vader, obviously), drop one of his Harry Potter pick-up lines ("When I said 'Accio Hottie,' I didn't expect it to work!"), and walk away with a good old one night stand.
And he wasn't opposed to picking up a guy at a Star Wars convention with one of his more direct, dude-appropriate geek pickup lines ("I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby"). He had always figured that geeks were unlikely to score at all so why reduce the probability of bow-chicka-bow-wow by limiting the scope of your potential partner pool?
But he had lost his mojo, Austin Powers style, over the past decade or so since meeting Gus. It hadn't been a sudden thing, it had taken a while to completely abandon him. At first it was simply the social faux-pas of talking only about Gus on dates. Then it got even worse and he was actually thinking about Gus in the moment itself. And then he found that he wasn't even tempted by people who didn't say his name in that half-annoyed, half-intrigued way. And he was happier bickering with Gus, in their hetero-life partner codependency thing, then anywhere or with anyone else.
Still. It had been an awfully long time. So if he was invested in the hot-n-heavy happening against the lamppost (and his favorite Narnia pickup line crossed his mind: "Are you from Narnia? Cuz you make my lion roar"), it was simply some kind of pent-up frustration thing.
He broke away, both of them breathing heavily.
"Look, Lindsay--" he said and she smirked and started to pull him in again. He pushed back slightly, enough to have his mouth to himself. "No, really, Lindsay--"
"Yeah, I know, nerd confession now," she said, punctuating her words with more of the afore-mentioned hot-n-heavy, "You're hopelessly devoted, etc."
"Well, yeah," Shawn said, feeling he was suddenly a step or two behind the conversation, "So this is...you know."
"Yeah, this is you know," Lindsay said, pulling back to leer at him. He had never seen such expert leering before. "This is a thing. It's not gibbons mating for life. It's just this."
"You are so hot when you know Animal Planet factoids," he said, breathlessly. She grinned into his ear, which is where her mouth happened to be at the moment.
"So what do you say? Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light-saber?" she said. He groaned.
"You are irresistible, lady," he said. "But it's that whole hopelessly devoted thing. I really am. You know. Devoted." He pulled back entirely.
"You know he's straight, right?" she said, "I mean, I got grade-A, NASA-level gaydar. I knew you were batting for both teams the minute I walked in the door and I can tell you now, that's a boy who doesn't even see the other team."
"Yeah," he said quietly, "I know."
"So your plan is what? Mope in corners till death do you part?" she asked.
"Pretty much."
"It's a flawed plan."
"I've been told."
"I don't have to get in the way of the emo. We could play Olivia Newton-John while we're in flagrante delicto, if you know what I'm saying."
"I do and you get hotter by the minute so if you could stop and say something offensive or gross, that would make this moment a lot easier on me," he said. She grinned.
"Not my style," she said. She ran a hand through her hair. "You're not so bad yourself."
"Thanks."
"I think I can find my own way home," she said. She kissed his cheek. "Call me if you ever toss the plan. I'm an FML just waiting to happen."
"Are you ever," he agreed. She smirked again and walked away. He sighed and watched her retreating figure.
"There but for a stupid crush.." he muttered.
"Shawn." And Shawn grinned inwardly at the familiar voice even as his mind manically raced through the past ten minutes, trying to remember when the door might have opened. It was just the right mixture of annoyance, interest, and, in this case, confusion.
"Guster."
"Shawn Spencer."
"Burton Guster."
"Shawn. Have you been crushing on my fine black ass and you never mentioned?"
"Maybe a little?"
"And did you just turn down a girl who used a Star Wars pickup line for moping in the corner over me?"
"Only if you actually heard that part of the conversation."
"I did, Shawn, and I am shocked."
Shawn winced.
"Look, if we can have a decade of bromance without you queuing in, don't you think I can be unobtrusive in my boundless affection? I can totally keep in on the DL. No straight-boy freak-out required," he said. Gus snorted.
"Please, Shawn. Like you're the only one who ever traded teams," Gus said and turned around to hail a cab that was passing.
"Gus, you live, like, two blocks away. What do you need a cab for?" Shawn asked, his mind boggling at Gus's revelation but, as always, distracted by a minor mystery.
"Because I think we need to be home sooner rather than later, Shawn," Gus said, sliding into the cab. He waited as Shawn boggled some more.
"Shawn. Get in this cab right now," he clarified.
"But I don't live at your apartment, Gus. I live at my apartment."
"But tonight," Gus said slowly, enunciating so Shawn's monumentally slowed brain could catch his words, "You're coming home with me." Shawn still stood fixed to the spot. Gus sighed. He climbed out of the cab and grabbed Shawn's hand, pulling him into the cab.
"Why am I going home with you?" Shawn asked.
"Because I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle," Gus said, pulling Shawn closer.
"Oh."
And eve if his brain hadn't quite caught up yet, the rest of Shawn seemed pretty happy to play along.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 02:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-30 12:24 am (UTC)I actually found this because I'm hopelessly in love with your Inception fics and wanted to see what else you had written. You managed to take two of my favorite things ("Psych" and "The IT Crowd") and make it into something I love! Gus/Shawn is my OTP and it's so hard to find fics out there in the sea of Shawn/Lassiter so I love you forever for writing this.
/End gushing.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-29 05:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-27 04:07 am (UTC)